I know. It’s only been, what, 20 days since I wrote my ever-so-determined blog post about my goals for this year, and POOF! I disappear from the internet.
Granted, I’ve still been on Twitter a bit, but so far I’ve not really lived up to the goals I set myself at the beginning of the year. The honest truth is that I’ve felt a bit ‘blah’. I guess that’s my way of trying not to say the word ‘depressed’ but, in reality, that’s what I’ve been. The first week of the year was fine; I was still reeling from Christmas and feeling positive. But the second and third weeks have been a real struggle, and there’s not even one thing that I can pinpoint to my feeling this way, which is the most frustrating thing. It’s been a culmination of tiny things, but I think that’s the problem with depression; it just sneaks up on you gradually.
“It is what it is, and what it is… is shit.”
This is going to sound melodramatic as hell, and in the grand scheme of things it is just ridiculous, but one of the reasons I’ve felt so low is the utter disappointment of Sherlock S4. I know, I can hear you scoffing already. But hear me out.
If you’ve followed me for a while, you know I’m a huge fangirl over TV shows and movies, and this is mostly because I get very emotionally invested in characters. No, it doesn’t make me a fucking loser, it just shows that I’m an emotional creature that relates easily to people and their stories on screen. So when there’s a show like Sherlock, which has demonstrated some major character development spanning over several years, I’m bound to get attached. Add this to the fact that there are years to wait between each series, mainly due to conflicting schedules and whatnot, and you have something that builds up and up over years where I’m desperately looking forward to a new series. And this series – series 4 – was no exception. But, as many articles have already pointed out without me drudging it all up again, this series was nothing like the rest of the show and was an utter disappointment to many dedicated, long-serving fans of Sherlock, myself included. And when you have been looking forward to something like that for so long (we’re talking, what, three years since series 3?) it’s hard not to feel utterly heartbroken when that happens.
“Oh get a grip,” you may say, “it’s just a TV show.” If that’s you, then you don’t know what it’s like to be a true fan of something. But if you are nodding along and relating to what I’m saying, not necessarily about Sherlock but about any show or movie or book or whatever that has knocked the wind out of your sails, then you get what I’m saying, and I thank you for empathising with me, because I really need that at the moment.
Aside from the Sherlock thing, there’s just been other little bits playing over in my mind. Personal shit, nothing I’m going to go into huge detail about here, but I basically just needed some time to take a step back and get my head around them, that’s all. That’s why I’ve been away, and not vlogging like I said I would and being more quiet than usual on social media. But I’m okay, I promise, and those things that were in my head are all straightened out now, and I can move forward again.
With depression, you often find yourself not wanting to get up and do anything, and part of that was reflected in my lack of working out. It’s fine, I’ve accepted this temporary blip, and I’ll restart my training regime on Monday. Dusting myself off and getting back up is integral to one of my goals this year, as I want to see things through to the end – even if that means starting over ten times, as long as I get to the end. That’s what matters.
But for now, I’m going to continue to enjoy this lovely album and fill the rest of my weekend with awesomeness.
Update: Forgot to mention that I saw Split at the cinema today and it was incredible. I love James McAvoy anyway, but his performance in this was outstanding. I could have watched more. Highly recommend.